FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: December 25, 2002 10:00 p.m.

Merry Christmas From The Waffle House

"Merry Christmas" was spelled out across the glass door in a silver metallic plastic holiday script. Fake holly spruced the greeting, which was held in place by suction cups. It's the type of holiday adornment that begs you in from the winter wind we're experiencing today and makes you feel as if you've arrived at home.

And at home we were, for our annual Christmas dinner at Waffle House. With family scattered across the country and friends spending the day with their families, we've found our annual trip to Waffle House a refreshing break from the traditional spread of overeating, box wine and weather talk. For us, it symbolizes the end of the holiday season, culminating in a Double Texas Cheese Steak sandwich with hash browns: scattered, smothered and covered.

Today, when we walked into Waffle House, the entire Waffle House family was there. Not because the restaurant was busy, but because Waffle House had either just gone through a shift change, or they were about to go through a shift change. There were Waffle House Crew members hanging out everywhere, and with no rhyme or reason. Some littered the booths, while others had ponied up and saddled on the bar. A few just clung to a virtual space they had carved out as their own.

In hindsight, I should have sat down elsewhere. Not only was my back to the grill and most of the restaurant, I was also right beneath the air conditioning system. Generally, this is not a problem, but I was in no position to see or hear anything going on in the restaurant, which for me is just as much torture as time out is to a three-year-old. My efforts to better position myself were to no avail: I couldn't hear crap with that damn air conditioning running right above my head. And to make matters worse, the She-He manager came from the back and cued up "Christmas In Dixie" on the jukebox.

By now in New York City
There's snow on the ground
And out in California
The sunshine's falling down
And maybe down in Memphis
Graceland's all in lights
And in Atlanta, Georgia
There's peace on earth tonight

"I told you to never hang out here again," yelled the She-He as the vocal sounds of Alabama proclaimed peace on earth. The She-He had spotted a worker sitting at the bar, who apparently was not to be sitting at the bar, or in the restaurant for that mater. While I could not hear the entire discourse over the air conditioning, I did manage to pick up the gist of the conversation and a few quality sound bytes. I struggled to filter Alabama (apologies in advance to Alabamans everywhere) from the Alabama transplants, but the jukebox was blaring from the corner. I couldn't very well turn around and stare, or maybe that was my mistake.

Christmas in Dixie
It's snowing in the pines
Merry Christmas from Dixie
To everyone tonight

This was shaping up to be a real family dinner. The two yelled back and forth at each other. The She-He manager made it clear he was not supposed to be there. He pointed out his mama didn't give him bus fare. She-He said it wasn't her-his fault his mama didn't give him bus fair. He was not supposed to be there.

It's windy in Chicago
The kids are out of school
There's magic in Motown
The city's on the move

Our server, Mary, set my Texas Cheese Steak Plate in front of me. "You want ketchup with that?" "No," I replied, waving her off and at the same time silencing her with a hand gesture. My Texas Cheese Steak sandwich was more than well-done, but to complain at this moment on this day to a woman named Mary seemed petty.

In Jackson, Mississippi
To Charlotte, Caroline
And all across the Nation
It's a peaceful Christmas time

"If I ever see you here again," piped the She-He manager, "I'll fire your slack-a** so fast you'll never get home to your Mama."

Christmas in Dixie
It's snowing in the pines
Merry Christmas from Dixie
To everyone tonight

"Now get you're a** out of here before I call the po-lice." He got up, pulled his over-sized black jeans to just below his waist, and walked towards the door. He announced his departure, slamming his weight against the door, making a huge dramatic bang, underscoring his rejection by the Waffle House. The force knocked the "Merry Christmas" sign from its suction cups, leaving the word "merry" dangling upside down in poignant commentary as holly hit the floor.

And from Fort Payne, Alabama ...
"God Bless Y'all, We love ya,
Happy New Year, Goodnight.
Merry Christmas!! "
Merry Christmas tonight ...

"Did you want a refill on that sweet tea, hon?" asked Mary.