FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: November 27, 7:45 a.m.

Long John Holds Back From the Herd, Today

BARNES PLACE (ATLANTA, GEORGIA) - In the forests of Germany, a long, long, long time ago, Dachshunds once roamed the countryside in herds. These stout little animals pranced and frolicked with one another as if they were Doberman pinschers, weighing in at 75-pounds. For some reason, someone had failed to tell them: they were only 6 inches off the ground, and no more than 12-pounds each ­ fifteen in pregnant.

And so, Long John comes from an extended legacy of dogs that know no better. Dogs who, for some reason or another, think they are bigger than any other. Dogs who run with the pack, despite their obvious shortcomings. It is in this larger-than-life spirit that Long John tramples through the house like a herd of elephants, craps on the front lawn like a horse, and eats like cow.

But, today, Long John does not run with the herd. Instead, Long John will undergo the knife to remove a cyst from his right stern leg.

It will be "a minor flesh wound," says the Doctor. Routine. But it's something that must be done. The cyst will be sent to the lab for analysis, and then we'll be able to determine exactly how routine it is.

The other option was to pop it, and drain it like a zit. But that, we are told, would be painful. And, as long as we're causing pain, the doctor said, we should just remove it.

Last night, I bathed my little leader of the pack. We sang show tunes, and scrubbed extra careful behind the ears and near the behind. And as I scrubbed, I told him to remember, if he thinks he is bigger than any other dog, he will be bigger than any other dog.

Today, we will see, just how big he is.

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