 Dispatches of theEmergency Queer Reserve |
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Monday, December 30 ( 9:02 PM ) Timothy State Sticker Stuck to Another's Bum I've heard of being proud of our conquests. But to display a sticker reading “Inspected by No. 65.” on your bum is entirely different. # Sunday, December 29 ( 8:35 PM ) Timothy State Overheard at Good Friends in the French Quarter “I wanna meet a nice 32-year-old. Or two 16-year-olds. The nice thing about a 16-year-old is my dick looks so big in their hands.” # Saturday, December 28 ( 8:40 PM ) Timothy State E.Q.R. Hits the Road Check out the E.Q.R. tour of the Redneck Riviera. # Thursday, December 26 ( 6:26 AM ) Timothy State EQR Upgrade The communication system Striker has been talking about: they're beautiful. Simply beautiful. We're the proud owners of the new Xact Communication WristLinx Communicator.  Thursday, December 19 ( 7:47 PM ) Timothy State Mystery Solved Yours truely has solved the mystery that set the E.Q.R. into action last month. But in order to protect my source and a continuous flow of information, I'll never tell. Just know it was a full-fledged Loss of Glamour. # ( 9:39 AM ) PotterHead Pubic Hair Display If only we had known about the dress code for the play, we could have shopped first: http://shop.store.yahoo.com/alamo/2tonjacchap.html # Wednesday, December 18 ( 7:56 PM ) Striker Quote of the night "Sha-FUCKING-zaam!" # ( 7:47 PM ) Timothy State Isn't That Queer? The most amazing aspect of tonight's Queer Carol performance by Theatre OUTlanta is that every performer had a head shot. # Tuesday, December 17 ( 9:36 PM ) Timothy State White Zinfandel “That’s what you use to wash down the pills.” - Gap Stripe Boy # ( 9:30 PM ) Timothy State Note to Striker That's what the "away" message is for. # ( 6:57 PM ) Striker Note to self Teach the crew of the PS3 to use the phone when IM's go unanswered... # Monday, December 16 ( 5:46 PM ) Striker 'Nuff said Nevermind... # Sunday, December 15 ( 8:09 PM ) Timothy State Stolen Property  While the new Princess Starship III website recieves kudos for effort and execution, the creative work stolen from Sean and Dan.com is an internet faux paus that could sink that galmour ship faster than they could scream, "Lawyer!".
#( 7:57 PM ) Timothy State Christmas Cheer "You are being so inappropriate." ( 3:32 PM ) Striker E.Q.R. Advisory Striker brings this update from the field: The Heretic has installed a trough urinal in the bathroom nearest the dancefloor off the Hall of Shame. While the trough dramatically decreases urinatory wait times, my research indicates that it also leads to an increase in the occurrence of bathroom posing, groping and stroking. All readers should be advised to enter the bathroom with self-defensive tactics thought out in advance or to only go while employing the buddy system. Cries from the restroom for assistance when being fondled by a bear would likely go unheard, so it would be best to be prepared before stepping up to relieve oneself. We anticipate that the trough will also be installed in the second restroom, but likely not in the restroom off of the "the Pub" due to space limitations. The pee-shy should focus their urinary urges in "the Pub's" bathroom. # ( 10:35 AM ) Timothy State Proposed Sunday Course of Action
( 10:29 AM ) Timothy State Kettle One Bludgeoning Eww-hoo, yours truly pissed of the E.Q.R. Friday night. After sending an e-mail that was supposed to be funny, ha-ha, ho-ho, once the alcohol was flowing, I was told how the others really felt. Upon returning home and reading the reply e-mail, I might as well have been bludgeoned by a Kettle One bottle. Just further proof that you don’t mess with the sacred bond of friendship. # ( 10:03 AM ) Striker Drop Everything At 4:48 on Friday afternoon, Striker and his mate were preparing to depart Atlanta for a weekend trip to meet the newest member of Striker's clan. Being an experienced traveler, Striker contacted Continental Airlines only to find that the airline had changed the boys' intinerary, moving them onto a flight departing fifteen minutes earlier and then canceled the flight. When Stirker asked the reservations agent what the problem is, she replied "weather." Striker asked, "Weather? Where? Weather.com isn't showing any weather that would impede our travels." The res agent replied, "Well, I am in Florida and it is nasty here." Striker then pointed out that he didn't see how bad weather in Florida could affect travel between Atlanta and Denver - the res agent was stumped. With their travel plans hijacked, Striker and his mate immediately activated the E.Q.R. and notified BP Boy and his mate that since Continental had ruined their weekend plans, that the boys would be available for a weekend of the usual trouble and that they should drop everything to craft new plans. And so, a weekend of fun commenced with all the men making an appearance at Mary's on Friday night where they bantered with Massage-Server-Man (henceforth refered to as MSM), attending a screening of Star Trek: Nemisis where a gaggle of poorly-costumed, overweight Klingons cried uncontrolably at the emotional climax of the film (which also lead to the conclusion that the E.Q.R. must attend Dragoncon with a camera), planning to grace a Sunday afternoon afternoon holiday party with their attendence and finally looking forward to another liesurely Sunday evening Kirkwoods Sunday Ritual. Thank G-d we can count on the E.Q.R. for companionship when "weather" strikes. # Sunday, December 8 ( 8:44 AM ) Striker Another Centerpiece Masterpiece At 6:40, BP Boy and Daddy were in the final preperation stages for a party that was to commence at 7:05. Somehow, they both had negelected to consider a centerpiece for the buffet. An EQR activation bulletin went out as they realized the potentially party ruining faux pas and within minutes a plan of action was created. A styrofoam male torso, a red jockstrap and a Santa hat were retrieved, combined and positioned by 6:48, bringing the buffet the perfect touch of understated holiday sensuality. # Friday, December 6 ( 2:41 PM ) Striker EQR Upgrades - UPDATE 2 This is better than I could have hoped!!! The package came, the package came!!! Right now, I love my postal worker. Previous post, dated 12/3/02: "OH MY G-D!!! They are on their way!!! I'm so freakin' excited!!!" Previous post, dated 11/26/02: "The E.Q.R. is in desperate need of help. Many, many calls for assistance have gone unanswered of late. Striker, BP Boy and the rest of the gang have been left in dire straits too many times. To remedy this dangerous situation, Striker and DB will be upgrading the technical infrastructure of the team - let's just hope that the new resources will become available before any tragically unfabulous situations arise." # Thursday, December 5 ( 7:21 AM ) Striker An Open Letter to Booze Dear Alcohol, I thought I'd take a minute to discuss some troubling factors with you. First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours...your many sides and dimensions are mind-boggling (different than beer goggling, which I'll touch upon shortly.) Yes, my friend, you always seem to be there when needed -- the perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game, and you're even there around the holidays, with a touch of cinnamon, you warm us even when stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. Yet lately, I've been wondering about your intentions. You see, I want to believe that you've got my best interests in mind, but I feel that your influence has led to unwise consequences, briefed below for your review. 1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance occurs at 5am. 2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, and though cooking is far from my specialty, why you suggested that I eat mashed potatoes with barbecue sauce coupled by a veggie corn dog and some stale corn chips (washed down with cranberry juice and topped off with a Kit Kat) is beyond me. Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went a bit too far this time. 3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me I need to do yoga more to increase my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down the stairs. Completely unnecessary. 4. Spelling Bees: Reference point 1 (Phone Calls) above, but even if calling 411 for Matthew McConaughey's number (in Austin, I believe) IS a grand idea, the fact that you temporarily suspended my ability to spell his name surely amused the operator. Surprisingly enough, he didn't seem to be listed. 5. Pictures: This is a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are herefore banned from being placed on my head in public: Indian Wigs, Sombreros, Bows, Ties, Boxes, upside-down cups, bras. 6. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him from somewhere, I most likely do not. PLEASE do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I do actually know that person. This is similar to the old "Hey, you're in my class" syndrome circa 1996 at UNC, and should heretofore be rendered illegal. Coupled with this is the phrase "Let's Make Out." While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-mouth block that would keep this thought from being a statement, especially in public. Further, the subsequent hangovers have GOT to stop. Now, I know a little penance for our previous evenings' debauchery may be in order, but the 2pm Hangover Immobility (and the new-found-trend of morning booting) is completely unacceptable. I ask that if the proper steps are proactively taken on my part (i.e., water, vitamin B, bread products, advil) prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen with a bag of pretzels, the hangover to be quite minimal and in no way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (well, any day) activities. Come on now, it's only fair -- you do your part, I'll do mine. Alcohol, I have enjoyed our relationship for some years now, and want to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of good stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when we just don't know what to do with our extra quarters in our pockets. In order to continue this relationship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday at 5pm (pre happy hour) on your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership. Thank you for your prompt attention to these matters! In addition to above I feel all cell phones should automatically shut off after about 2:30, although they do come in handy when the walk off shame is too far to stumble. # Tuesday, December 3 ( 8:15 PM ) Timothy State Emergency Cocktail Broadcast Network I found this press release in a web search: FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: Looks like we need to be in DC on January 17. # ( 4:16 PM ) Striker Emergency Cocktail Broadcast Network There is an organization in the Washington, DC area by this name. If anyone knows what the "ECBN" is, please advise. # ( 8:45 AM ) Striker EQR Upgrades - UPDATE OH MY G-D!!! They are on their way!!! I'm so freakin' excited!!! Previous post, dated 11/26/02: "The E.Q.R. is in desperate need of help. Many, many calls for assistance have gone unanswered of late. Striker, BP Boy and the rest of the gang have been left in dire straits too many times. To remedy this dangerous situation, Striker and DB will be upgrading the technical infrastructure of the team - let's just hope that the new resources will become available before any tragically unfabulous situations arise." # Monday, December 2 ( 2:36 PM ) Striker Escape Procedure for the Group Like BP Boy, I had a revelation at last night's cocktail mixer as well. It is this: how does a group of four (the entire membership of the E.Q.R.) tastefully extract themselves when they are all in the same boring conversation. This is not the most common problem. Usually we boys are somewhat distributed throughout a room working multiple angles at once, but last night it so happened that we all were assaulted by a bad case of A.P.D. as we came back together to update eachother on our progress. So normally, only one or two are stuck in a situation needing help and are able to signal to someone outside of the "quicksand" to hold out a "branch" to pull them to safety. # ( 1:31 PM ) Timothy State Class-Action Queer Suit Now here’s an interesting theory I heard at last night’s cocktail mixer (which, by the way, was a wonderful way to end the holiday weekend). Seems our friend Jason believes that our entire generation of gay men can take out a class-action suit against Linda Carter, Lindsey Wagner and Aaron Spelling. His thinking is that these three people, through Wonder Woman, the Bionic Woman and Charlie’s Angels made all of us who grew up in the 1970s gay. “If they can go for Aetna for slavery, then we can go for Wonder Woman, the Bionic Woman and the Angels,” he says. # ( 1:18 PM ) Timothy State Secret Hand Signal for "Help Me"? While talking with a dreadfully boring guy at last night's cocktail mixer, I realized two things:
Sunday, December 1 ( 8:22 AM ) Striker Overheard KY man in a Midtown gay bar: "If you are coming over, let me shave my pussy." This comment was made at about the same time that the bar was playing "The Hamster Dance" and flashing porn pictures on the TV monitors. # ( 6:31 AM ) Timothy State And Then I Have No Words I think we need some context on some of these random posts of late. Let’s start with the basics: The holiday party season has begun. It’s a time when people open their hearts and their homes and reveal:
So at TG02, we unveiled Drew’s Theme, which was written and produced by a boy (Paco) in Italy for our friend. It was awful sweet of this boy, bless his heart, to write such a song, even though he can’t speak English very well. So with one unsolved party mystery (who left vomit backsplash?) kicking off the holiday season, I thought I would write about it—Paco Style. I’m Running to You I’m running to you, through the bright candle glow. Oh porcelain god, I have to go. Filled up on the buffet, and ther’ many things to tell you. One-by-one, I been missing, Oh, over the way. With you I splatter the wall. With you my nose does not burn. Your big lip is hard for me to miss, yet I do. And then I have no words. Word. Word. # |
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