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Panchakarma Treatment 1: Who's Your Daddy?

        The wood table in the center of the room could easily have had a previous life in the water-boarding interrogation treatment of a terrorist. But today, it’s where I’m to lie naked while I receive my first panchakarma treatment -- a hot oil massage designed to help expel toxins from my system.
        Dr. Shambu appeared from around the corer, wearing a white lab coat underneath a vinyl apron. He had the stance and presence of a well-fed Indian butcher. We had a short conversation about the trauma that was leading me to panchakarma, where he explained that the process takes care of both the physical toxins and the emotional toxins as well.
        “You have memories,” he explained, “and emotions are attached to those memories. Through the chakra work, we remove the emotions from the memories. So if you have sadness attached to a memory, then we remove the sadness. Then the memory is just information. See?”
        The process consisted of five treatments, the first being the oil massage. The second was an oil application in the nose and the ears. The third was an enema, which he down-played. Oil dripped in the third eye, of the forehead, helped to connect to the outside world. And finally, a pulse treatment would help to build an energy field like a coat of armor.
        All this, he said, would balance the three elements within my body, the water, the fire, and the solids. He said I was weak on the water element, and being a pisces and all, I could see as problematic. It would help me see people in a different way, he said. I’d be able to see their true energy, rather than long for the energy I desire to see in them. The feeling that he, or she, is there, and is enough, would come through.
        I climbed onto the table face-down. He sprayed hot oil across my back. I winced. It could have been hot wax for all I knew. For the next hour, he massaged my body with a lipid oil, which he explained seeps down into the cells of the body, nourishing the nervous system, which is also made of lipids.
        “It’s providing nutrients to the nuero pathways,” he said.
        Slathered in hot oil, he had me lay on my side. He informed me that he would be administering the oil enema, and pulled out a syringe, explaining normally he waits to the third treatment, but because of my deep-seeded first chakra trauma, he’d have to start the enema today.
        It occurred to me, lying there naked, covered in oil on a wood table, as he spread my cheeks to implement the enema, that I could probably receive this exact same treatment at the International Mister Leather Convention from a butch muscle daddy wearing nothing but a jockstrap, assless chaps, and a harness.
        Oh, Daddy, do I feel great.