From the proposal on the Rim of Crater Lake to the actual Union in Vermont, follow along as we develop plans for our Union Ceremony scheduled for August 2004, celebrating 10 years together.
Picture This Moment. We were snapping family photos when the Feminine Tone Choir arrived. They showed up in their cobalt blue dresses and their 4x4 pickup trucks. “Who’s that?” my mother asked.
“Who do you think? The feminist choir,” I said.
While we snapped family pictures, Dan and Janet battled over placement of the flowers in the church. A Best Man with a creative flair vs. a Cheerleader with experience. I wondered if we were moments from a Chick Fight. In our absence, it worked out peacefully, and the placement of the bamboo shoots was simply perfect.
With everyone waiting in the church, I practiced reading through my vows with force and authority to an audience of headstones surrounding the Meeting House, which had been in place since the 1700s. I kept choking up on key words, and I wondered if I would even be able to read through the entire story. I closed my eyelids, and placed myself before our friends and family and pictured in my mind reading with conviction.
I saw the feminists arriving in their trucks, Dan and Janet battling over perfection, family posing for pictures and myself getting choked up in front of an audience of headstones. But then I saw that moment with Tony and Dan and Sean in the cemetery. That precious moment where all is quiet, where nothing is said, and I breathed in soaking up the energy flowing between us. The Vermont sky a vibrant blue, the trees and grass, a deep green. The wind blowing a gentle breeze, letting us know we are alive. And there, I stood with the most important men in my life. The man who I had changed enough to know I could commit to him. And the two men who showed me he’s absolutely perfect the way he is.
Dan grabbed me, and together, we walked down the aisle of the Rockingham Meeting house to meet up with Tony and Sean.
Photo Essay. The photos are beginning to come in from Zach. I've gone back and added photos to the appropriate posts, so those reading along might want to scroll down through the page to see images no associated with what I've written.
Unwrinkling Last Minute Problems. At the last minute, we needed ironing expertise. Dan and I only had four hands, one each had to be on a cocktail, and someone had to stamp the wrinkles out of what we were going to be wearing. It’s times like these that focus is needed. Complete focus. And as we focused, we recalled the Jill, my math professor from college days, said that she was prepared to help – sewing buttons, whatever – just so long as she could feel the love.
One of the great benefits of buying out a resort is that you have complete access to the room roster and who is staying in what room. I pulled out my master list and Dan dialed her room. “We’re in the main house. Second floor. Charles Lindberg room,” Dan said to Jill.
Within minutes, she appeared, ready to iron every piece of clothing with wrinkles that needed to be stamped away. Dan sat there, sipping his cocktail, amazed that I had a former college professor ironing my clothes.
I paused for a moment, along with Dan, and pondered the moment unwrinkling before us. I’m sure Jill would have ironed our friend Roger’s clothes if he had asked when he got married.
Earlier, when we discovered the jazz guitarist needed electric to play his guitar, and it occurred to me there is no electric in the Rockingham Meeting House where the ceremony and therefore, by definition, we have a problem, I turned to my Straight Men. Engineers in every sense, they were quickly on solving the problem, about to harness electricity generated from rotting oranges.
“You’re loving this, aren’t you?” said my Straight Boyfriend.
I looked at him quizzical. “Loving what?” my face must have said.
“You know, barking orders and watching people jump.”
I looked at him quizzical. “How is this any different than back at home?” I asked.
Swimming in Love: Private Toast with Parents and Attendants. Mom and Dad were late to the private toast. Seems they took a wrong turn and thought they were on 106, but really were on 11, or some sort of excuse like that. As we all gathered in Dan and Sean’s suite, and I counted the folks in the room, realizing we were only missing two before we could get started, that’s when the call came in. I think it was relayed from the front desk of the inn, anticipating that no matter who the messenger, their head would be lopped off.
So there we were, having re-arranged the day of some dozen people, staring at each other, waiting for Mom and Dad to show up so we could get started. I, of course, tried to get started without them. But the entire room was against that, so I just sat there and bit my lip.
The last thing I needed was sitting around. Time to think. Time to get all emotional. I told Tony just moments before we entered the room that he was going to have to do all the mooshey talking. In the middle of running through my vows, I was in no state to confess love or thanks or appreciation with out the floodgates holding back the reservoir of ‘I’m nothing without out’ opening up and releasing a tidal wave of emotion.
Knowing that Bride-zilla was sitting and stewing, my parents burst into the suite, preceded only by their ‘got lost’ excuse that escorted them through the door. With that, I went through the schedule of how things would happen, and then Tony got on with the mooshey stuff, toasting our parents and everyone for being there to support us.
With that, we presented the Moms and Dads with framed photo of us; Ron, our officiate, with a Vermont pewter book mark; Zach, our photographer with a photography gift certificate; our Straight Men and First Ladies with restaurant gift cards so they could enjoy a date night; and our Best Men – we gave them key chains. As the keepers of the key to our heart, we felt it was only appropriate that they have key chains engraved with the special code 243.
And completely unexpected – probably because I failed to read the wedding protocol book – the Best Men presented us with a gift: tie clips engraved with “Communitas”.
It’s rare that one is ever so deep in the love, he might just possibly drown in it. I was gasping for breath.
Post-Rehearsal Cocktails Close Down the House. Waiting for our guests in their room was a hand-written note from us, 6 greeting cards with images from Vermont, a music CD with a collection of some of our favorites, and a guide book we had gathered together. The book not only had the schedule and background information on the locations and people involved, but it also had a list of our guests and a random fact not connected to other people. In the original information we sent out, we had included sidebar facts about us and our relationship, which was the most popular part of the booklet. Running low on general facts about us and knowing that we probably couldn’t fill 30 pages with facts on us without underwear sizes, we decided to list facts about our guests. We knew it would start conversation, but we had no idea how competitive our guests would get, trying to figure out all the facts. Not only were our guests trying to figure out the facts, but a few other random guests at the Hartness House who had found a random book and also read it cover-to-cover were trying to figure out the facts as well, eavesdropping at breakfast and in the lounge.
When the bar closed, we retreated to the Best Men’s suite for quiet conversation and even more cocktails.
Rehearsal A Hit. Dad State’s Toast – He welcomed all our guests with open arms. Unplanned, he said exactly what needed to be said, and hinted at the power of the collection of people who had traveled to so far to be with us on this wonderful occasion.
Dad Dornacher’s Toast – It was simply a cup of joy that filled up and overflowed. How wonderful to have two Dads who embrace not only our relationship, but who we are as individuals. If only all the world could know that feeling.
Ron’s Blessing – He set the stage for a powerful weekend with his eloquent comments (which I coached him on). We were so touched and moved by the people who came. At first, they may think we are strangers. But our guests really do know each other and have a common bond, because they have a bond with us. They have each given something to us and our relationship. This weekend was the perfect chance for everyone to put a face and a name together. And Ron set that up in a context that reminded everyone how lucky we were to have this time, this space, this food in which to celebrate over.
Dan Mastering the Ceremonies of the Evening – He’s a pro, and has a talent for orchestrating a room like a conductor at a symphony. While his smile is enough to command a room’s attention, he layers on style, intelligences and wit that is compelling, dramatic and funny.
The Amazing Food and the Amazing Service – At first it was a bit hard to simply set the parameters by describing the atmosphere we were trying to set, and then setting our florist, the caterers and the restaurant free. But once we overcame that hurdle, the creative, talented experts came in and took over and delivered a wow that titillated our guests at every moment. Naomi and Mac at the Morning Star Café set a high standard for the weekend, and we were lucky to be able to keep raising the bar throughout.
Working the Room – It was nice to be able to have a crowd small enough, and a pace slow enough that we were able to get around to each table at least once, and in most cases twice. Both as a couple, and as individuals.
Picture-Perfect Opening. I am constantly amazed at the diversity of photos and how they grab and move people differently. Having one room dedicated to my work, and covering a wall was a huge accomplishment. A hurdle overcome. And being able to share it with the very people who came this weekend was simply grand. Nothing is more fun than a lazy Friday evening, good wine and conversation and being able to kick-off the weekend with our friends and family with a creative flare set the tone we had hoped to have for the entire weekend.
We drank Oregon wines – our favorites from Blue Moon Winery in Cave Junction, Oregon, and had fine Vermont cheeses, and it all complimented the art wonderfully.
Reflections Of... Looking back, it all went to so fast. The special moments, crammed together, like a power-bar breakfast of love and admiration. How does one package it? How does one contain it? They cannot be linked together into a cohesive story, but when spewed out together, maybe a common theme will begin to emerge.
These moments are stored in my heart forever, belonging to me. I think on days of challenge and gloom, for many years to come, I will be able to look back and remember the moments on this list. I will be reminded of the love that surrounds me, not just from Tony, but from my family, my friends who are family, and my community who are my friends. And in that moment, I will be able to tap into that tremendously endless well that exists. It will lift me up, and thrust me forward.
Toast of the Best Men. Sean There is very little left for us to say since everyone else has spoken at some point this weekend and Tim has always written everything down… but we’ve come up with a couple of things.
Dan Our best friends, our best men, have surprised, challenged, and at times shocked us since the night we met them. Now seems like as good a time as any to share a few of these special traits that have endeared Tim and Tony to us and surely to you.
Sean First, Tony. We all know what a wonderful host Tony is, and the painstaking care he takes to ensure his guests have the best hors d’oeuvres. Even when his plans to showcase a fabulous table centerpiece that included beautiful flowers and live fish went south when the fish died, Tony was able to quickly correct the situation by fluffing the table cloth around the vase to hide the corpses. Truly, Tony has talents that could enable him to stand-in for Martha during her incarceration.
Dan We also know of Tony’s commitment to everything healthy. His commitment to shield his guests and Tim from harmful radiation by living without a microwave is commendable, though some of us wonder if he has his facts straight, as he lives with a cell phone surgically attached to the side of his head.
Sean Then there is Tim. Oh, that Tim. He is so dependable. You can rest assured if you tell him you deepest, darkest secrets, no less than 2 websites, 3 weblogs, and a twenty-paragraph e-mail that takes an hour to read will be sent with the quickest of speed to a few 100-thousand of his closest friends.
Dan Tim is also very adept at utilizing the skills of his network of friends. For example, he has no shame in contacting his closest friends when in dire straits trying to feed himself. Fortunately, I am always here to guide him through the tough task of “simmering” a can of Campbell’s soup, and when necessary, Sean can whip a meal for him in a jiffy that actually includes meat. You know, meat, the part missing from Tony’s diet and therefore not always available for Tim…
Sean You can always count on Tim to be the life of the Party. Tim can stop a room with his dancing ability. Note that I said ability and not skill; though he may have a hard time finding the beat, and his style may be a little too Annett Funicello, he definitely inspires those around to laugh and smile. And you can always count on Tim to break a few rules, like standing on the bar before the first three notes of Dancing Queen have been heard. John Belushi, eat your heart out.
Dan But on a more serious note, we must borrow a page from this weekend’s program, we quote the description that they wrote about us having realized these things that they accuse us of applying equally to them. “These two exceptional individuals showed us romance when we thought romance was dead. They showed us forgiveness when we thought forgiveness was impossible. Showed us love when there was none.”
Sean Romance. Apparently it lives on if Tony’s dance frame is any indication throughout our few weeks of ballroom dancing lessons. Dan and I would look over at them while they were practicing and we always noticed that no matter how many times he was admonished, his arms always drooped as he pulled Tim closer and closer into his dance space, seemingly trying to make every dance resemble some kind of cuddle on feet.
Dan Forgiveness. The best way for anyone to teach another about forgiveness is to give them something to forgive. Obviously knowing this truth, Tim and Tony have provided us many lessons in forgiveness, perhaps most notably by interrupting our movie night at midnight to run over to Barnes Place because Tony is out of town, the alarm is going off, Tim cannot be found having left his cell phone behind while he’s gone slumming with another friend, and two unknown dogs are running amok in the house. Or something more serious we’ll have to forgive them for – moving out of Atlanta, Chicago better know what it’s getting again.
Sean Love. This is the only point in the weekend’s program that we would quibble with Tim and Tony over “love when there was none”. Everything that has happened this weekend only proves that there has always been love – between them, by them and for them. There love for each other is the only example that we havee seen that rivals our own and has inspired us to deeper affections as surely you have also been moved by their demonstrations of devotion.
Dan As our last duties for the weekend, we invite you to join us in raising our glasses in celebration of this Union and to offer our love and honor to our best men.
We Will Eat Ice Cream.I wrote a story for my vows.
Somewhere in the process of planning for today, I forgot what this all means. I think it happened when people began asking me what our colors are. What our song is going to be. Who’s going to cut the cake first. Are we going to dress the same? And who’s going to wear the garter belt?
I thought to myself, “My god, somewhere along the line I’ve failed miserably.” We don’t have a color. We don’t have a song. I don’t want to cut the cake; I’d rather have a professional who knows what they’re doing do that. We never look good in the same outfit, and given the choice, I’d much rather take off a jock strap than a garter belt.
At first, panic set in as I began to think we have absolutely nothing in common. We don’t even have something as simple as a color with some deep, sentimental value. Working through the anxiety, which for a brief moment had me believing I was a straight man, I pondered the meaning of everything we’re doing today.
To be before our friends and family who have sacrificed so much to share this moment with us as we publicly proclaim our love for and commitment to each other is huge. I put a lot of thought into understanding why it so important that we take this step to celebrate and protect our relationship, which simply cannot be taken for granted.
I couldn’t help but wonder if couples who have always had the ability to marry put as much thought and soul searching into the meaning of what they’re doing as I’ve put into today. I wonder if they consider not just the colors, but the heavy part of marriage that provides couples with a legal responsibility to each other.
Today, in the State of Vermont, I am granting you legal responsibility to me. And you are doing the same in return. It’s a daunting thought, to think I am not responsible for just myself, but we are now responsible to and for each other.
When I think of today in this context, it makes colors and cake and songs seem silly and trite. Our relationship cannot be summed up by such symbols. Those traditions can do no justice to the relationship we have. I realized our relationship is much bigger. Our colors are pretty and prettier. Our song is the one that gets our foot tapping and lifts our spirits. And the cake, well, let them eat cake if they really want it, but we’re having ice cream.
In sorting through my qualms over customs and rituals, I began to understand a deeper level of commonality that exists between us. What we share is a unique outlook on the world that compliments and embraces. We surround ourselves with people who recognize our potential and encourage us towards realizing it, even on days when we cannot see it ourselves. We throw ourselves into uncomfortable situations so that we can learn more about who we are. And we are constantly pushing to be more and do more in a world that we make happen for us, rather than allow it to happen to us. We provide each other the space to allow each of us to be fully who we are as individuals. What we share in common is not on the surface, but is deep down at our very core.
In the process of discovering what we share, I found myself and I found you. I don’t know what today means to others who go through this, but in preparing for this day, I’ve come to learn what it means to me.
Today’s proclamation is more powerful than a legal document. It is a public declaration of my word. It means you have my heart in my ongoing commitment to you and the life we continue to build together. It is a life building upon each other’s strengths and those of our families, our friends and our community around us. It means every day I will strive to understand you and to know you more completely.
It means to me the trust between us continues to grow into the future, as in the past. It is a trust founded in love, integrity, openness and inclusion. And with that comes my pledge to work through life’s challenges together, with respect, creativity and integrity.
It means I am whole and complete with you. I am whole and complete without you. I accept you as you are. And I accept myself as I am. I join you in union, not to become one, but to become two complete people lifting each other up, expanding our spiritual beings and horizons.
I cherish you. I’m captivated by you. I’m challenged by you. I honor you. I respect you. I am your friend. I am your partner. I love you.
That is what today means to me. Now let’s eat ice cream.
Tony's Vows.We wrote our own vows, and kept them a secret until the Union. Here is what Tony overwhelmed me with.
Our adventure began twelve years ago at the Chicago Halsted Street Market Days when your current boyfriend introduced us. Our friendship blossomed over the next couple of years with each infamous Tim State hair flip. On that chilly December evening in 1984, the stars were aligned; we were both single, and ready for a new adventure.
Every day has been like a scenic drive on a windy mountain road. Every time we round another curve, it’s filled with oohs, ahhs and a few eeks. Yet we always go wow at the end and get back in the car and search out another windy road.
More than 3,502 days, some 84,048 hours or a mere 5,042,880 seconds later, I stand before you, our family and friends to celebrate and honor my love for you. You continue to make my laugh so much louder, my smile brighter and dreams more vivid. I look forward to creating more miracles in the coming chapters of our adventure together.
Timothy State & Tony Dornacher Communitas Saturday, August 7, 2004 6:00 p.m. Rockingham Meetinghouse, Rockingham, Vermont
Tim State & Tony Dornacher Ron Miller, officiate
Daniel Preister, Best Man Sean Sprague, Best Man
Shaun Green, Straight Man Nelson Burke, Straight Man
Janet Kinard-Green, First Lady Jennifer Burke, First Lady
Mike Dornacher & Jo Kraft Tony’s Parents
Tom & Kathy State Tim’s Parents
Draa Hobbs, Solo Guitarist The Feminine Tone Chior
Musical Prelude "Ma No Efe Dusime" (I'll be your right hand) This is a Folk song from Ghana, and it reflects on the virtues of love and care. Its proverbial meaning is that "perfect love should be made available in time of good and bad" literal translation: I will be at your right hand side. I will place my left arm on your neck.
Introduction
Reading Kathy State, mother of Tim A Friend is Someone Who Likes You by Joan Walsh Anglund
Jo Krafft, mother of Tony Love is Forever by Joan Walsh Anglund
Meditation
Declaration of Intent
Exchange of the Vows
Musical Celebration "En Mil Ańos" (In One Thousand Years) This song was written by Rafael Flores. The musical style is a Cuban Rumba. Translation: In one thousand years we will hear praises to this love, an endless song.
Exchange of Rings
Blessing of the Couple
Dismissal
Musical Celebration "How do I Love Thee" This Jazzy setting of Elizabeth Barret Browning's poem was written by American composer Nathan Christensen, at the age of 20. This piece won him the Diva Complex Composition Contest in 1996.
Lump of Love. The band has gone. The bar has shut down. And most of the guests are in bed. I’m lying here trying to go to sleep, exhausted, but wired. My throat is feeling sore, but as I read through the guest book and the comments left, I think that lump in my throat I feel may very well be love.
