From the proposal on the Rim of Crater Lake to the actual Union in Vermont, follow along as we develop plans for our Union Ceremony scheduled for August 2004, celebrating 10 years together.
Great Advice. Our friends were married by Ron as well. He gave them some great words of wisdom before their wedding: "It's the last time you will be in front of an audience that is 100% on your side."
Catastrophic Failure?. So I’ve lost complete faith in the U.S. Post Office. We’ve now heard from three different people who have said they never got the invitation in the mail. And with only 70 invitations to address, I distinctly remember writing out the envelopes for some of these people. One is now involved in a three-way relationship and Tony and I discussed for five minutes what was appropriate: Mr. Smith and Guest or Mr. Smith and Guest(s). (I put “and Guests”.
But it all has me wondering: what is the proper thing to do when the post office fails?
The Same Box Step, Really. We’re not the only ones with two left feet when it comes to ballroom dance. Dan and Sean, who got us hooked, were there first male-male couple to be taught at Fred Astaire. We’re the second. So tonight, during our group lesson with the boys and one other couple (a male-female), our instructor was trying his best to alter convention.
“Okay, now gentle—ah, leads, you’re going to step like this.”
“Now, ladi—followers, you’ll do exactly the opposite.”
For a brief moment, I felt bad for the opposite-sex couple. One of the best ways to learn is to switch off partners. And with five men and one woman, well it didn’t exactly match-up on a traditional level. We were able to switch off with Dan and Sean with great ease, but the opposite-sex couple—they were the odd ones out.
I was telling a friend about our private lesson on Tuesday. It was at 9 p.m., and we were the only ones in the dance studio. When the play let out at neighboring Actor’s Express, people flocked to the windows and peered in at the two of us box-stepping around the floor. You could read the expression on their faces, “Oh, look. They’re ballroom dancing. [Pause] Oh, LOOK! THEY’RE ballroom dancing.”
"You know," my friend said, "if you were Republican, you'd know men are not supposed to dance with each other and the whole situation would be avoided."
After the group lesson is the group dance party. The lights are turned down low and the music up as everyone is given the opportunity to practice what they’ve learned the hour before. And, we get the chance to switch off, dancing with different partners and instructors. Right now, I’m learning to follow, so come my turn, the female instructors would lead.
It’s the same box step really, just executed a little differently.
Taking Pride.We're travelling to Vermont the weekend before the Ceremomy, which will give us a few days to relax while making sure everything is in order. At the last minute, but not so last-minute I couldn't get my passport, Tony suggested we drive to Montreal for the weekend prior to the Ceremony.
An excellent idea that I'm very excited for. Tony wanted to get hitched while there, but it just so happens your intent has to be published in the paper at least 20 days prior to the event, which we've passed.
Tonight, Tony spent two hours on-line looking for a hotel. When I got home from work he said there is some sort of major convention taking place, and all the hotels are booked. After some investigation, the convention is DIVERS/CITÉ, Montreal's lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgendered Pride celebration. What could be more appropriate?
Best Reasons. I understand the difficulty in deciding whether or not to attend a wedding. For a few years until all our friends were married off, we were attending three or four weddings a year. Some in remote locations. Some easy to get to. But all at least a plane ride or a day’s drive away. Weddings can easily drain vacation funds and gobble up vacation time. So we know from experience what we’re asking our guests to do when they join us in Vermont.
However, just as they are expecting something creative from us, we expect nothing less from them. So far, here are the best reasons given as to why folks on the invite list will not be attending:
“I’m in the middle of a major back-to-school fashion initiative.”
“I’m in the middle of buying a house and all my account balances are exactly where they need to be.” (We’ve got this from two different parties.)
"Union Labor might strike at midnight and I will have to report for strike duty."
Yin. Yang.He is the most amazing wedding photographer around. Not only because he's technically good, but Zach has the amazing ability of blending in to almost any situation and making the people around him feel at ease. I've worked with many photographers before, but he's got a true talent. We're lucky to have snagged him for our Ceremony, and we're even luckier to have him as a friend.
This photo he snapped of us the last time he was in town is going to serve as our thank you card. Art Official said he thought the picture is a photographic metaphor for our realtionship and how we compliment each other. I tend to agree.
Growing Up Quietly. One of the most enjoyable aspects of planning for Vermont is the occasional quiet moment of reflection with Tony that are built into the process. It’s the 15 minutes spent over soup in a bread bowl at the mall, or the 30 minutes watching mindless TV as we assemble gifts for all our guests.
It’s then that we truly begin to soak up how wonderful this day is going to be, surrounded by people who so clearly love us. (Yes, those worries about whether or not our guests would get along are silly.) What sticks out for both of us, though, is how self-selecting those who are most important in our lives are. For those are the ones who are coming to Vermont, and for those who are not able to make it, but truly are significant, they are in constant touch and simply asking about the details.
It’s odd, really. I had no idea how huge this would be simply working through all the aspects of the weekend and trying to decide what it is that “we” want to do. In hindsight, I could have been a better attendant at a number of weddings I’ve participated in, if by no other measure, simply by picking up the phone and asking how the planning is going, what option the couple is considering and such. It’s hard to know what to do, particularly when I’ve always been on the other side of the country and unable to actively participate in the planning.
It’s a growing up process, really, that I think is one of the unintended side effects of planning a Ceremony. Many gay men don’t go through it, and I’m wondering if other couples ever go through it. Writing the vows, considering the weight and the enormity of it all, it’s really not about my needs or desires, but our needs and desires. While I’ve always known that and feel it to be true for the most part in our relationship, “Us” seems to be taking on a whole new meaning.
Straight Shower. The Straights have decided to host a “send-off Shower” for us this weekend. Of course, typical to the Straights, it’s last-minute. I don’t know what it is about Straight folk that allow them to plan soccer matches months in advance, but they can’t plan a dinner. Don’t they know if they aren’t on the Gay’s calendar a week in advance, the Gays will be booked up?
Regardless, it’s a very nice and kind gesture, and they will be inviting all sorts of folks from the neighborhood who can not make it to Vermont to celebrate with us. We’re really excited about the evening and looking forward to spending the time those around us.
Dance, Baby. Dance. We had our second private dance lesson, and I have to say it was much easier. Tony seemed to have more confidence, and was actually a much stronger lead. We were reviewing what we had learned already, and at the same time learning a few additional steps.
We were looking good. And when the play at Actor's Express broke for intermission, we suddenly found ourselves with an audience looking in as just the two of danced with our instructor. It was a good warm-up for what people will most likely be doing during the reception in Vermont.
All going well until about 20 minutes into the lesson when my body decided it was bedtime. It was difficult to concentrate on where my feet were supposed to go next, let alone keep my eyes open. And with Tony leading and me falling, everything I’ve learned in the past I have to think about backwards. But with sleep nudging me, I kept going back to what I first learned when I took ballroom dance years ago.
But despite the pending sleep, it did go much better and Tony seemed to be more comfortable and confident. And that’s the key.
Rare Gifts. We were in a total panic about the gift for our Best Men. It needs to be profound and meaningful. But in the process of writing my vows, the theme of their gift came together. We just had to execute it. I have to say it was a lot of fun going from store to store at the mall, shopping for what will be absolutely perfect. I normally don’t like shopping, but when you know what you want, I’m not completely pressed f or time, it was actually enjoyable. Especially when we had salespeople who were actually helpful in the process. Something that is rare these days. But then, friends like our Best Men are also pretty rare.
Kvetch Lunch. We had lunch with Reese and Nick, an absolutely lovely couple who is planning a commitment ceremony for Labor Day weekend. Sitting there at the Silver Skillet, we swapped plans, trials, and tribulations. And while we’re all completely scattered in trying to pull it together, one thing is clear: it’s a lot easier to decide what to do when you don’t have people around you asking questions and offering suggestions based on straight wedding standards. Since we’re traveling to Vermont, that seems to solve a lot of problems. We are planning for all our guests to travel, where as they are having to plan for only a few to travel, and then balance are from right here in Atlanta. That in itself significantly decreases the size of the event, which makes planning not only a lot easier, but also allows us to do a lot more.
Grounding Myself. There is so much to do, I can’t even talk in complete sentences. The biggest challenge seems to be simply completely tasks. If it’s not one thing, it’s another. Picking up pictures, Wolf Camera made copies of the wrong photo, which requires a return trip. Putting together the gift for our parents, it can’t happen while we wait, rather, we have to come back to pick it up. So there seems to be a lot of running around and multi-tasking without much time to focus on getting things done.
So this past weekend, I decided I had to focus on my vows, figuring if nothing else, that would be one major task out of the way. But, I was also hoping completion of the vows would ground me spiritually in what is about to take place. Vows behind me, it seems to have worked, and now all these tasks that need to come together seem to not only fall into place, but also seem to be fun.
We're travelling to Vermont the weekend before the Ceremomy, which will give us a few days to relax while making sure everything is in order. At the last minute, but not so last-minute I couldn't get my passport, Tony suggested we drive to Montreal for the weekend prior to the Ceremony.