From the proposal on the Rim of Crater Lake to the actual Union in Vermont, follow along as we develop plans for our Union Ceremony scheduled for August 2004, celebrating 10 years together.
Permission to Reprint. I can grant you one-time, nonexclusive rights to reprint the article mentioned below for distribution to the guests at your ceremony.
The credit should be: Reprinted from Out. Copyright 2002 by EJ Graff. All rights reserved.
Michael W. E. Edwards Director of Editorial Operations
My partner and I recently made the decision to travel to Vermont and perform a Civil Union Ceremony (http://www.biggaywedding.com). I read your article in this month's issue, "Are We Hitched Yet" by E.J.Graff, with much interest.
As we move forward, we find ourselves explaining "Why". Why it's important we go through this process. We've found ourselves pondering how we can easily and eloquently answer this question, without it appearing that we're making a radical political statement. Ms. Graff accomplished this in her article.
I was wondering if it would be possible for us to obtain permission to reprint the article you ran and distribute it to the 124 guests we've invited to join us so that they may understand that this simply is an acknowledgement of what already exists. Please let me know how I can go about getting permission, and exactly how I should list credit.
Involving Mom and Dad. We’re struggling to involve our parents. We’re trying to find a way for them to be involved, yet know that we’re making this up as we go, so asking them to do something is like asking them to bake a cake from scratch with no cooking experience.
On the one hand, we want them involved; on the other, we’re afraid of the outcome. Plus, let’s be straight, if we can for a moment. We’re really hoping for some cash subsidies here.
While Tony doesn’t know the details, he’s fairly certain his parents helped his brother in some way with his wedding. And, he’s struggling right now. In his mind, a check would symbolize acceptance of our relationship and the step we’re taking.
I quickly pointed out that’s how Boomer’s treat their children. Not out parents, Depression-era babies, who were taught that sometimes not even trees bear fruit. He told me not to lecture him. Hmmm, son of a Depression baby, maybe?
So he’s going to Chicago. A fund-raising trip, of sorts. He’s going to build excitement with his Mother by taking her jewelry shopping. Then, he’ll take her to lunch, where he’s going to ask her to pay for something, like maybe our Union bands. While the strategy of a specific task – clear start and finish – is good when soliciting volunteers, I don’t know that it’s necessarily successful in getting checks.
I suggested Tony approach his Mom by stating how we’re struggling to find a way to engage their involvement and to ask her about how she was involved in her Brother’s wedding. This should disclose financial contributions, or at least explain what she’s comfortable doing. But we’re finding there’s a lot involved to involve Mom and Dad.
The Search for Interlocking "T"s. Tony has been searching for a ring. Actually, a ring designer and manufacturer. We have this idea of creating bands of interlocking “T”s (for Tim and Tony – cute, huh?), and we’re looking for someone who can complete the design and get it manufactured.
Last night, he stayed up into the night, searching the internet for a resource. He says he didn’t find much success, discovering lots of designs “looking like I someone had pulled it out of their ass and made something out of shit. Even gay designers! Someone should take their gay card away.”
Even popular gay sites were lacking resources for classy adornments. And so, the search continues.
Avoiding Disneyworld on Crack. Andrew joined us at the Majestic Diner after the three of us went to a reading of the play “Be Aggressive.” While interesting in that it was billed as being a play about cheerleaders, I thought it was a play about the shallow lifestyles of Californians intricately told through the lives of two lack-luster cheerleaders and their upwardly-mobile parents. Either way, Andrew hated it.
After debating the pros and cons of the play, we asked Andrew point-blank (there is no other way to ask him for a favor), “Will you play the piano for our Union?”
“No, I can’t do that,” he said, point blank, citing some lame excuse like not being able to play anything other than ‘New York, New York’ in G-Flat because ‘that’s the way Frank liked it.’
We told him he could do it, and that if we hired some local piano player, it would be a total failure. “He’ll play it straight forward,” I said. “And then when we say, ‘Um, could you do it with a little more whimsy?’ He’ll make it sound like Disneyworld on crack, and it will be a total failure. You, on the other hand, will know exactly how to execute it.”
He finally agreed, but made us promise we would tell him if it was bad, or we didn’t like it, or it wasn’t working, and not just agree because we’re good friends. But that’s exactly why we’ve asked him, so we could tell him straight forward we’re not getting what we’re looking for.
But I know we won’t have to say that. I know we’ll be sitting there saying, “Perfect. Disneyworld would be envious.”
Not So Random Details. In the distance, near the shore, a woman wearing a g-string thong bikini practiced yoga. Her thighs flared out as she bent over, filling the frame created by the floral archway just beyond Zach, Diane and the Justice of Peace, just moments before they were to exchange their vows commencing their marriage.
It seemed to be the perfect distraction – a poignant poke at a ceremony often taken so seriously, people forget it’s really a celebration of life. Two lives, that is, coming together, becoming one. Two families of relatives and friends, sitting across the aisle from each other, joined together by a common bond between two people.
And that’s messy. Like really good sex. So why not have fun, and laugh and giggle and cry? I, as did many other guests, wondered if yoga woman was purposely placed to make people laugh as they were about to cry. It occurred to me we’ve got a lot of thinking ahead of us. Music, readings, vows. Zach and Diane’s wedding was flawlessly executed, with no detail left to random.
I pondered. What do we want to say? What is the message? What is the feel and tone in which we want it delivered? All of it should blend together into a seamless ceremony that presents a compact, moving message of rejoice. I was quickly overwhelmed, like a director who is putting on a show with no cast, crew or budget.
But as I chewed on all these thoughts, I realized there are amazingly talented people around us. People who, in some cases, may not know or understand their own talent. We could turn to these friends, tap into their energy, and have them help us build and present a ceremony that is uniquely us. If we do, then it becomes a celebration, not just of our relationship, but of our life and the people around us who have become our family.
And that’s when I realized the details of pulling this together will actually be an exercise in pulling all our loved ones together. It will tap into the very essence of what brings them into our lives and connects them to us. Suddenly, the details don’t appear to be as random as they may seem.
