From the proposal on the Rim of Crater Lake to the actual Union in Vermont, follow along as we develop plans for our Union Ceremony scheduled for August 2004, celebrating 10 years together.
Defining a Language. Part of the challenge, and certainly part of the fun is that there is no template for what we’re doing. This is so new traditions have not been established. That is, unless you want to model yourself after a straight wedding.
This is true all the way down to the language we use to describe what it is we’re doing. Tonight: the conversation about what is traditionally called the Wedding Party. Do we want something like that, who do we ask, what does it consist of, and what do we ask them to do?
Tony suggested instead of calling them “Groomsmen” we call them “Fluffers”. I immediately vetoed the suggestion.
There's Something About a Ring. We took Tony’s ring back to the jeweler last Sunday to get it sized. They said it should be ready today, but we haven’t heard yet. I’ve been on pins and needles, waiting for the jeweler to call saying it’s in.
“Did you hear from the Jeweler yet,” I asked Tony tonight. I think I’m more excited than he is.
There’s something about this ring that I never anticipated. It seems to say, without words, ‘I want you to belong to me.’ And with that comes a certain level of comfort and security. I want him to have this ring. I want him to wear it and display it proudly.
Developing a Family. It all starts with the guests. At least that’s what I think. Budget, location, food, and every aspect of our Union will stem from our guest list. If we want lots of children, then we should look for lots of child-oriented activities that fit household budgets with kids. No kids, then our options increase. And, of course, the accommodations and activities we select will help determine who will be able to come. If we go to a resort few can afford, then we’re looking at a smaller party than if we’re at the Budget Lodge. But regardless, making these decisions will be easier once we narrow down the list of people we want surrounding us on our big day.
Tonight, we printed our database, grabbed the highlighters, and schlepped to Waffle House. First, we agreed upon the criteria by which to highlight names on the list. Before we included anyone, we had to answer yes to three questions:
Did this person have a significant impact on our life, helping to shape us as individuals or a couple?
Despite any obvious distance of time and geography, are we in touch?
Is this a person we wish to be in touch with in the future?
I see this event being about us, celebrating our relationship with those who have contributed to our lives. Maybe that’s obvious, but I don’t want freeloaders--social leaches who suck the energy from you with their drama. I don’t want family who have never felt obligated to be there for us before to suddenly come out of the woodwork because their sense of obligation is stronger simply because we’re gay: “Oh, Judith, we must go, otherwise they’ll think we don’t support them.” I don’t want this to be a freak show with acquaintances too busy to pick up the phone to inquire how life is going, suddenly jet setting across the country simply for the sake of proclaiming they are going to a big gay wedding as a sign of how socially progressive they are.
We’ve pondered this a great deal. In discussing our criteria with other folks, the first question that comes up is: “What about family?” They’re quick to point out we’re not asking the question, “Are they family?” My answer to them: “See the three criteria just outlined.” The people who meet all three criteria, in my mind, are my family, and this is the family I chose to request be around for our special occasion.
When we were done with the list, we ended up with 68 people. This includes a guest for our single friends. These are the people both Tony and I felt, without a doubt, we wanted them to be with us. And without doubt, we knew this group would want to be there with us.
Then there were all the “maybes”--the people who met two of the three criteria. Maybe he or she was in our lives for only a brief period of time, but in this time he or she made a profound impact. Maybe he or she was an important figure in one aspect of our lives, such as school or our jobs. Maybe this person is a profound influence, but for whatever reason, we’re not completely in touch right now. We found 110 maybes.
We reviewed the list of maybes, and discussed each one. Some were connected to others, where we felt if it was important enough for us to include one, we must include the others. Some have been in our lives for a short period of time, but our connection is one in which we have no doubt these people are becoming permanent fixtures in our lives. Some are people we are certain will never come, but we want them to know they are important to us and included. We narrowed it down to 56, for a total of 124 invited guests.
In short, going through our list we considered how each person adds more to our lives than he or she takes away. Through the years, when I go to weddings, my mind generally wanders during the long preachy part. I often ponder who would be the Best Man at my future wedding, and why? Now that we have the list, looking over it, I’m not surprised who made the cut. Many of the people on the list at one time or another have all been in the running for standing up in future fictitious weddings of the past. And that’s what I want on this day that’s about us, celebrating our lives and the people in them, how we’ve come together and become one: to be surrounded by the very people who helped us to develop a family. Our family.
